All my love, Connie
by The Ice Queen86
Summary: Connie Beauchamp is not a woman who is often short of words, and yet sometimes, the right words are too hard to find. Or at least too hard to say. A letter from Connie to Jacob following the traumatic split of two Casualty favourites.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I may write a response from Jacob. Thoughts, comments welcomed!**

 _Dear Jacob,_

 _I am sorry that I cannot say these words to you in person, but I feel that this is the only way in which I may be able to convey how I feel. I am, as you know, rarely lost for words, and yet now as I sit here, alone in a bed we once shared, I am lost. Lost, in every way imaginable. I owe it you to explain why we can no longer be together, and I hope by the time you have finished reading this letter, that you may understand._

 _You were never just a fling, Jacob. Please believe me. I have had more than my fair share of one night stands and office affairs. I've had men wrapped around my little finger, willing to do anything I ask of them, either out of fear or in the hope that sexual favours may lead to workplace privileges. When I first met you, I thought it would be the same. I thought you were a player, and I have a track record of 'players'. I could see the ambition in your eyes the moment you stepped into the ED. Your approach may have been a little unconventional, but there was no denying your clinical skills, and passion for your profession. You had marked me out as the one whom you needed to impress. The person with the power to hire you, to convince Sister Freeman that you were worthy of appointment. However, I soon realised you were different. Yes, you were charming just like so many before you, but you were also persistent. I was used to the thrill of the chase, but you were the one who chased me. I am not going to lie and say that I didn't string you along, just a little bit, but I wanted to test you. Not to see if I could, for want of a better phrase 'have you', but to see if you really did care for me. As time went by, I began to realise that this brash, cocky Nurse was also deeply sensitive and, at times, experienced the same insecurities that I often felt…but would never admit._

 _I loved the way you looked at me when I caught you staring at me from afar, with your boyish grin and that devilish glint in your eye. I loved how you called me 'Sweet cheeks' and 'Queen B'. You thought it infuriated me, but secretly I loved it. I loved how you referred to me as 'Babe'. I loved how you would place your hand on my shoulder or the small of my back to comfort, or reassure me and how you were not afraid to hold my hand. It made me feel special, you made me feel special. You made me feel loved, loved in a way that I have never felt before. I know we never said 'I love you', but believe me when I say, I loved you, Jacob. I still love you. I will always love you. I know it must seem like I have been able to switch off my feelings, to move on and forget everything we had, but in reality it is nothing more than a coping mechanism. I have to try and carry on because if I stop, I fear I will fall apart. I need to carry on, to focus on the ED, and most importantly, on Grace. She has to be my priority; my family must come first. Please allow me to explain._

 _When Grace came back from New York, I knew this was my second chance. My second chance to be a mother to her, the mother I had failed to be in the past. Yet still I gave up on ever repairing our relationship. I doubted myself, I didn't think I could be the mum to her that she needed. My heart said 'yes', but my head said 'no'. You comforted me when I needed you most, but you also spoke the words that I desperately needed to hear. You helped me realise that I could not continue to punish myself for past mistakes, that the time for action was now, that true love is worth fighting for. You gave me the courage to fight for her, and I will never, ever be able to repay you for that. That night when we drove home from the airport, I promised her that from now on it would just be me and her, just like it used to be. She was so happy. She told me how much she had missed me, how she never wanted to leave Holby but felt she had no choice. She craved my attention, but I was always too distracted with work to notice that I spent more time caring for other people than my own daughter. I knew things had to change, and from that moment on, I knew she had to be my priority._

 _Then there was that day, that terrifying day which still haunts me in my sleep. The nightmares are still so real and I wish you were there to console me when I wake in the night, scared and alone. I still see his face, feel his breath on my skin. You risked your life to save me that day. I was furious with you for putting yourself in danger, but deep down I knew It would be you who came to my aid. No doubt you were told to wait for security and the police, but I knew you would abandon protocol to rescue me, and you did. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life, but having you there beside me (even if you were chained to a pipe), gave me hope. Hope that everything would turn out OK, that you would protect me just like you had done so many times before. Later that day, when I came to find you on the stairs and we shared that final moment, I thought this would be the start of a new beginning. For all of us. I had my baby girl back, and you had proven to me that you would do anything to protect me, even risk your own life. The ultimate sacrifice. As we sat there, and you held me in such a tender embrace, what you did not see was Grace. She saw you kiss me, and she was angry. She glanced at me with that piercing stare that I know all too well, that stare which means trouble. We sat in my car outside the ED for what felt like hours, but was, in reality only minutes. Her demeanour changed in an instant. I explained that I was about to tell her about you and I, but she remained cold and distant. Then she spoke words that I had been so afraid to hear, she asked me to make a choice. In fact, it was not a question, it was a demand: 'Finish things with Jacob, or I go back to Dad. For good.' Her request was more than a flippant remark, she meant it. On the morning of the accident, just before you came into my office, she issued the same ultimatum: You or her. No compromise, it was my relationship with you or my relationship with my daughter. I tried to explain to you, but you were so angry. I know it may seem like she has me wrapped around her finger. The daughter of the Queen of manipulation has become the one who holds the power, but I can't lose her, not again. This is my last chance to be the mother she needs; the mother she deserves. I can't make right the wrongs of the past, but I can make sure they are not repeated in the present._

 _So now you know. Now you know the reason why we cannot be together. I never meant to hurt you Jacob. I know I have caused you so much pain, but I never wanted any of this. Although you may not believe me, I am hurting too. I have lost the one man who truly loved me and the man whom I gave the most precious gift - my heart. I wish things could be different. I wish I could lie in your arms, and let you stroke my hair until I fall asleep. I wish I could wake up each morning to your smile and the smell of pancakes and freshly brewed coffee. I wish you could hold me one last time. I miss you, but this is how things will need to be, at least for now. I'm sorry._

 _Please can I ask that you don't contact me outside of work. I need time, and space to come to terms with everything that has happened over the past few weeks. I know I have no right to make such requests but, please can you respect my wishes? Don't put your life on hold because of me, I'm not worth it. There are plenty of single, beautiful women out there with far less baggage than me. You deserve to be happy, Jacob, and I hope you can find someone who will treat you in the way that you deserve. I have no right to ask for your forgiveness, but I hope that one day, you may be able to forgive me. I hope that one day we can be together again, re-read this letter and laugh, because what we had was the real deal. I love you Staff Nurse Masters._

 _Take care._

 _All my love,_

 ** _Connie x_**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here is Jacob's reply to Connie, just for you, Mrs Connie Masters! I genuinely cried when I read this back, so apologies in advance.**

Dear Connie,

It has taken me some time to process what you said in your letter and think about what I might say. I'm not the kind of guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, but maybe this will help me come to terms with everything. You're right, you did owe me an explanation. I'm not going to pretend that I wasn't angry with you but my anger was purely borne out of frustration. Frustration that you didn't trust me enough to just tell me from the word go. Sometimes I just don't get you, Connie. I thought things were going so well and then BAM relationship over! No explanation. Nothing. I get that Grace needs to come first. She's your daughter and your only child but you can't let her control your life Connie! You deserve happiness too. Remember what Charlie said to you that day you informed the whole of resus about our 'extracurricular activity?': _"Don't mess this up, you deserve to be happy."_ He was right Connie. Charlie's always right. What I don't get is why we couldn't just sit down and talk. I would never come between you and Grace. Do you not see that all I want is for you to be happy? For you AND Grace to be happy. I hoped I could be a part of her life too, Con. I wish I had children, I wish I had met you many years before and maybe things would have been different. My genes are pretty remarkable too y'know. Grace is not my daughter, but I would love her like she was my own. She's a special girl, just like her mum. I can only try to imagine how hard it must have been to raise her, on your own, for so many years. It must have been tough for you at times. That night before we drove to the airport, I promised you that you wouldn't be on your own, 'cause I would be here for you. I meant it then, and I mean it now.

The thing is Con, this changes everything and nothing. I will give you space. You can have as much space as you like even though being apart from you tears me up inside, but I can't pretend I don't care about you. I'm in love with you Connie. I love you, SO much. Knowing that you love me too makes it so much worse. I tried to hide the pain, the physical and mental pain I felt after the entrapment. Yet, I knew you could see it in my eyes, as I looked through the window to your office, and I saw the same pain reflected in yours. You're right, I would do _anything_ to keep you safe. I would risk my life again and again to save you, because you are _the_ most precious thing in my life. All I wanted to do that day was run in into your office and pull you into my arms, to hold you, to comfort you, but I couldn't. Grace needed you and I knew I needed to step back, to do as you asked, because I love you. I try so hard to keep up this macho 'big man' image but really it is just a façade. I get scared too, Con. You're not the only one reliving recent events in your sleep. I feel like I'm being buried alive all over again, but not with sand. The pain of losing you is too great to bear. You're the only person who I would admit that to but you're the one person I know I can't confide in. Not because I don't trust you, I'd trust you with my life but because I know it wouldn't help either of us. I know you never meant to hurt me, and I hope and pray these words do not cause you further heartbreak.

I've spent my whole life hoping I'd find someone like you. Then, on that warm summer's day when I walked into the ED, there you were. You caught my eye as soon as I saw you. I remember what I said to you, _"I would say great body too, except you already know"_. Gosh, that makes me cringe. I bet that just made you smile though, yeah? I was instantly attracted to you. You radiated self-assurance. The way you walked through the ED with your Queen B swag, your perfectly groomed hair bouncing with every step. Your eyes, those pretty green eyes full of sparkle and surprise. You're breathtakingly beautiful Connie. I wish I'd told you more often just how beautiful you are. Thing is, your beauty is more than skin deep, Con. You did give me the most precious gift, you gave me your heart, you let me see your innermost insecurities. You're feisty and brave; the strongest woman I've ever met. Yet sometimes, you are none of those things. You're good at pretending Connie, but I can see behind the façade that you too project. Years of hurt, of broken promises have made you doubt the sincerity of anyone who has tried to get close to you. I'm grateful that you trusted me, I will never break that trust that I know must have been so hard for you to give.

You were never just a fling to me either, I know what we had was real. People have called you an emotionless robot, the ice queen etc, but your eyes really are the window to your soul. I always knew you loved me, even if you couldn't say it until now. I saw it in your eyes. I've had my fair share of women, but none compare to you. Nobody will ever compare to you. I can't just forget about you Con, and I refuse to give up on you or on us because like you said, _'true love is worth fighting for'_. You are worth fighting for. This isn't the end babe, because, in the words of my other south-east girl, _'our love ain't water under the bridge._ ' Oh, and while we're on the subject of Adele. Those tickets that you thought Jack so kindly gave you to see her perform in Birmingham last week? They were actually from me. I bought those tickets for me and you back in October, but I knew it would cause problems for you and Grace if we went together so I gave them to Jack. I asked him to lie for me so he concocted a story that was so typically 'Jack'. A flamboyant tale of flatmate betrayal and two unwanted tickets. I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty, but we both know it's only a matter of time before Jack reveals the truth. He is after all, the biggest department gossip – even worse than Robyn! I hope you had a good night babe.

It's true what you say, there are many single, beautiful women out there, but there is only one Connie Beau-champ. Yeah, I know there is no hyphen, but you catch my drift. No-one else will ever come close to you. I hope we can be together again someday. I don't care whether it's in a day, week, month or even year. You haven't lost me Con, 'cause I'm right here. I'll always be here.

Love you always, Sweet cheeks.

 **Muscles x**


End file.
